How depressing -_-

Fellow Bloggers,
Its been quite a while since my last post and I'm genuinely sorry for that. I have been 100% dedicating my time to taking care of my 8 month old son with only one leg! But now that I've got the hang of it I feel it's time to jump back on the ol' bloggin' wagon. So as I said before, this is going to be a pretty serious post so don't expect any giggles this time around, sorry. To pick up where I left off, it was the day after I got my boot. I felt like maybe I had transitioned from the splint a little to quickly, but then again i'm not a doctor. The first night was pretty rough. I had been tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position to place the damn boot. This thing was hard to adjust to because it weighed so much, my poor calf muscle was already under conditioned and now it had to adjust to added weight thrown on after only two weeks since the surgery. I woke up groggy and disoriented mainly from the  lack of sleep, or was it the pain meds, and really had to use the bathroom. If you guys have ever been in this situation you feel my pain, but to those who don't, try and imagine for a second what it might be like to attempt to go number two when your body is loaded up with narcotics and your aren't as ambulatory as you once were. Its almost near impossible. It was so depressing sitting for a good 20 minutes trying to get your bowels moving, sorry if TMI but I'm just being honest, and nothing is coming out. Worst moments of my life right there. As you guys can imagine your going to need a care taker pretty much 24/7 for at least the first 4 weeks after your break, and even then it would be nice to have help a little longer. So the only person available at the time was my boyfriends mom, bless her heart, she came everyday at 8 in the morning after my boyfriend left to work to care for my son and I. Let me just say it was the most undignifying moments of my life. Here I am, her daughter-in-law, the women who is supposed to care for her son and grandson, the motherly figure of the house hold and she is witnessing me at my weakest moments. I felt so vulnerable. I couldn't fetch myself a glass of water, or grab a bite to eat, or change my own sons diaper without help. Needless to say, I was incredibly embarrassed. What really broke my heart was the fact that I couldn't care for my own child. I was his sun and moon before I broke my ankle, and then after, its like I was this person in the background that used to play a part in his daily routine. Most of the time I was so knocked out from my pain meds that i didn't even know what he was up too. I was missing out on moments. Everything I had worked so hard to establish with my son was ruined. He wasn't going to bed at the same time I had always done, or eating the same foods because his grandma was caring for him. I felt so worthless and so much like a burden. There were moments when I would just lie down and cry for hours. I was so depressed. I felt like I had no dignity. I also felt so angry and frustrated when any one left the house. Even on little trips to the grocery store, or to put gas in the car. Those moments became so important to me because I hadn't left the house in what felt like ages. I was so upset. The days blended into each other and before I know it I can manage my pain. At that point, right around the 4 week marker, I knew I wanted to start trying to be independent again. So I ask my boyfriends mom to take a day off so I can try doings things on my own. Thank the lord I took a chance because it helped me establish the system that I now do everyday. I didn't need her anymore after that and it was then that I realized I'm stronger than I think I am. Don't get me wrong I was incredibly scared to be on my own. How was I supposed to make a bottle when my boy was hungry, or carry him to the living room with me, or chase after him as he crawls into the kitchen?  But the desire to be independent, and normal, and self-sustaining again over powered the feeling of doubt and fear I had inside me. Eventually all the problems I thought I would encounter while caring for myself I ended up finding solutions for. I kept at it and now I' m doing much better. (More on that in the next post...)